


even if you’re in a place where i can’t touch you, i can feel you

by SUNNYONG



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Miscommunication, Sad Ending, read with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21708814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SUNNYONG/pseuds/SUNNYONG
Summary: the bigger the lie, the deeper the scar. and taeyong found a deep scar above ten's heart, but what did ten lie about?
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	even if you’re in a place where i can’t touch you, i can feel you

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy ig !!!

living in such a world was hard, where when you tell a lie, a scar appears on your body. and the _bigger_ the lie, the _deeper_ would be your scar.

schools and parents encouraged the quality of honesty and most of the kids grew up telling the truth. honesty is the best policy— it's just a normal phrase but not anymore, it was highly practiced in societies and communities.

average population had slight scars on their bodies because let's be real, we're human beings and lies do slip out of our tongues sometimes. and so was the case with this young gentleman, lee taeyong.

he was an honest man, with very light scars and a mind full of respect and heart filled with love. but his love was limited to only one person and that was his lovely boyfriend, ten. ten was also an honest man, actually — he was probably the most honest man taeyong had ever seen.

taeyong absolutely admired ten, he loved him so much and would lose everything for the younger male. and ten reciprocated, always trying to love taeyong more and more as each day passes by.

to ten, taeyong was his first and last and ten didn't want any in-betweens, he had promised taeyong that older would be his first and last and everyone with working five senses knows that ten chittaphon never ever breaks his promises.

ten wanted his day to start with taeyong and end with taeyong, he wanted to protect taeyong from everything and anything that is deemed evil. there was such an immense amount of love and respect for taeyong in ten's heart that ten could do anything for him.

when taeyong would kiss him, hug him, or just look at him— ten felt like the happiest man alive. ten loved a lot of things, but he made sure that taeyong was always on the top. ten wanted to be the one who would hold taeyong's hand with every step they take in their lives.

the older loved him a lot and ten knew that too, and he couldn't ask for more. when he would find taeyong and his petite body tucked beside him in bed, ten would always manage to break out a smile. 

he loved everything about taeyong, from his warm eyes that seemed to contain the entire universe to his pink plump lips, from his cute habit of giggling when ten would whisper into his ear to his warm and secure hugs that make ten feel wanted.

_taeyong was his everything._

ten was a professional swimmer, participated in a lot of competitions and was once considered for the olympics to represent thailand but ten couldn't make it due to his knee being severely injured. but of course, taeyong was with him throughout his recovery and made sure that ten doesn't ever blame himself.

taeyong also had this endearing quality and habit in him— he gave people nicknames instead of calling them by their real name. and for ten, it was 'tennie.' just a short but such a heartwarming nickname. and till date, taeyong calls him by that.

but there was this small inconvenience in their relationship— it's actually negligible but ten's a high maintenance gentleman. while ten was a professional swimmer, taeyong was a lawyer and lawyers don't have no time to breathe.

it kind of saddens ten when taeyong returns home late, but it's always so beautiful to see tired taeyong tucking ten to bed and kissing him before the younger dozed off, and taeyong would soon accompany him and both the lovers would be in each others' arms till morning.

it was their sweet, little relationship and ten loved every second of it. ten even trusted taeyong with his diary, a diary in which ten would write down all the scars he had and what lie he had told to get the scar. 

there were just a few entries in it but ten never showed the diary to anyone but taeyong. and taeyong considered the diary as a sign of their unbreakable trust and eternal bonding. six whole years of them, six years of them being in love.

but neither of them said touch wood.

* * *

paperwork, files, pens and pencils were scattered everywhere onto taeyong's desk, this case was quite harder and complicated than what he originally had expected. taeyong was actually really worried for two reasons, one reason being this ugly case and the other was regarding ten. 

taeyong noticed quite a lot that ten was either really nervous or looked plain scared around taeyong. he never slept beside taeyong for the past two weeks and taeyong was getting really worried now. 

he inquired about it but ten never gave an answer and this automatically meant that there was something wrong. ten would stay eerie quiet around taeyong or would just stay away from taeyong in general. taeyong didn't even have the time to text or call his boyfriend, and he would also stay quiet around ten so that ten would feel comfortable.

it was eleven in the night and ten wasn't home yet, and taeyong contemplated whether or not to call him and check on him. and taeyong had enough of ten trying to ignore him, and not bother to tell him what was wrong. no matter how close taeyong went, ten furthered away from him.

so taeyong decided to call him up before his anger and frustration increases because of either this pathetic case or ten being just very immature. taeyong aggressively grabbed his phone off the table and before he could dial ten's number, he heard the front door open.

_so, he finally decided to come home, huh?_ taeyong thought as anger filled up his veins, and he rushed outside the bedroom and into the living room where the younger stood, looking absolutely nervous and terrified.

taeyong couldn't believe the audacity of the thai, he comes home this late and doesn't even defend himself? "chittaphon, this is really getting serious. are you even in a sane state?" taeyong wanted his tone to be normal but the adrenaline rush made his voice louder, and he saw the younger physically flinch and he immediately lowered his gaze.

taeyong never ever yelled at his beloved and he never called ten by his real name, the last time he did was five years ago and that was because it was some silly dare by his friends. so, seeing ten flinch was a shock and taeyong softened and stepped closer to embrace the younger in a warm hug.

but when taeyong came close, ten pushed him away, refusing to let their eyes meet. taeyong was very taken aback, and entered the state of complete shock. this was so unfamiliar to taeyong, that it made him want to cry. "t-tennie—"

"i don't love you anymore,"

that's all ten said, his voice shaky and it sounded like he was crying. taeyong was completely sure that he heard something wrong, but that didn't stop the tears from clouding his vision. "i-i'm sorry, can you please repeat that again? i-i mi-misheard— "

"i said, i don't love you anymore!" ten raised his voice all of a sudden, raising his head to reveal tears streaming down his pale cheeks. taeyong could literally hear his heart break into pieces, and it didn't take too long till both of them were left crying.

"tennie, y-you're k-kidding, r-right?" taeyong pleaded, pleaded ten to tell him that he was lying, pleaded ten to tell him that he still loves him. "i'm not kidding, taeyong. i don't love you anymore, i'm just— i'll l-leave," ten choked out, his continuous tries to stop his sobs went vain and tears kept on flowing.

ten turned back to exit the apartment, his heart very heavy. "tennie, p-please s-stay," taeyong pleaded and fell onto his knees, not being able to control his emotions. ten couldn't just not stop loving him, there was no way. it sounded so off, but ten's tears confirmed it.

ten paused before glancing at the photo frame they put up near the door, it was of their second anniversary. taeyong wanted something simple so they had a cute little picnic with lots of kisses and lots of hugs, and ten could visualize the memories in his mind and tears just went on. "b-bye, y-yongie." and that was the last time taeyong saw ten, _alive_.

* * *

it's been a whole week since ten told taeyong that he didn't love him anymore, and it's been a whole week since ten saw him or acknowledged taeyong's existence. ten really didn't know what he did, but he knew that he hurt taeyong a lot.

seeing the older cry and break down right in front of his eyes _and_ because of him, it really hurt ten and his heart. ten was afraid, he was always an insecure coward and that's who he was. he didn't want to continue like this, so he went to the ocean. his most favorite place in the entire world ( _second to taeyong's arms, though_ ).

he drove there and it was around five in the morning so no one was really around during the wee hours. and ten liked that, he liked the calm and peaceful aura of the ocean, he liked the solitude. the sun was rising and the sky was a beautiful fusion of reddish yellow, slight blue and another dark shade of blue with patterned clouds adding to the canvas of the never-ending sky.

the ocean was a popular tourist sight, so they elevated the ground to a higher platform and bordered it with a ledge. so if you want to see the ocean, you have to sit on the ledge and down below you would be the ocean. it was really a spectacle to watch, and especially in the mornings.

ten slowly walked to the ledge and carefully sat onto it and stared at the beautiful gift of nature in front of him. he really liked swimming, but for some odd reason, the ocean reminded him of taeyong. the ocean was just as calm, as peaceful and as beautiful as him.

and that's why ten took up professional swimming, the reason and inspiration was taeyong. everything in ten's life began with taeyong and ended with him, and ten was grateful for that. taeyong taught him a lot throughout these six years, he taught ten the emotion of love, the emotion of caring, the emotion of feeling loved.

taeyong would move on and ten was sure about that, his yongie was strong and brave, he could live on without ten. but that wasn't vice versa, ten couldn't live without taeyong. he needed the older to be around him, loving him, caring for him. he _needed_ taeyong.

ten was also a man of his words— he never broke his promises. and he had promised taeyong that the korean would be his first and last. _his first and his last._

thinking about taeyong, his smile, his eyes, his hugs, his everything for the last time. reminiscing every memory he lived with taeyong, re-living those moments, re-living every moment once again, ten closes his eyes and lets go of himself.

he lets go off everything he had, and in a moment, he was deep in the water and he opened his eyes to see the water around him. it made him happy, to have the water around him. it made him happy after so long that he could finally do this and get into the water. 

_but ten never swam._

* * *

it was huge news, it was everywhere around taeyong. "professional athlete swimmer— _ten chittaphon_ , found dead in the ocean." it was everywhere, and no one was lying to taeyong because he didn't see any scars on them that indicated that they are lying.

_his tennie was gone. forever._

taeyong cried a lot after ten left the apartment and the following week too, but after this drastic news, taeyong didn't know how to react at all. he didn't know what he should be doing, he had lost the capability of feeling emotions.

it was all his fault, he must've done something to make ten feel this way. entirely his fault, the doctors around him told him it was suicide but taeyong knew he was the one who had killed his beloved. directly or indirectly didn't matter, taeyong should also die.

he just sat on the hospital bench, waiting for autopsy reports to be finalized but his thoughts were just clouded with ten. six years ago, taeyong met this shy little ten and promised himself that he would always keep that beautiful smile on his face, but taeyong couldn't do that.

he wanted to be together with ten forever and ever, but because of taeyong and his stupid self— he completely lost ten. it seemed like hours when the doctors returned with something in their hands, but they were here.

most of the staff pitied taeyong— the once bright eyes had no emotions in them anymore and he was dangerously pale. "mr. lee taeyong," one of the doctors called out for him, and taeyong could feel disgust run through his body when he heard his name being called out. it sounded disgusting, his name sounded disgusting to him.

"the autopsy reports didn't have anything other than what we mentioned— but, we thought it would be convenient if you saw ten for the last time before he's sent off to the morgue," the doctor said and taeyong's heart just broke even further, he couldn't process the fact that the love of his life just died.

and what hurt him even more is that ten didn't love him anymore, ten could never ever love him anymore. taeyong just couldn't process that but nonetheless, he followed the doctors to the room ten was kept in. taeyong didn't want to go in, he didn't want to see ten's lifeless body.

he just wanted ten back.

the doctors entered this dimly lit room and guide taeyong to the table onto which ten's body lay with a white sheet covering his whole body. taeyong could feel the tears rush back in, their memories together played like a movie in four seconds.

the first time taeyong told ten i love you, the first time they kissed, all their first times. and now taeyong was here, saying his last i love you to lifeless ten. the doctors left once they felt the atmosphere dropped, they wanted to respect taeyong's privacy.

taeyong rushed immediately to ten once the doctors left and tears automatically started flowing down his cheeks once again, as he pulled down the sheet from ten's upper body. and there ten lay, the same pink lips and the same lovely face. it didn't even seem like he was dead, just felt like he was in deep slumber.

"i love you so so much, tennie. you never told me when and how you lost our connection, or else i would've tried again, tennie! w-we could've t-tried again," it was getting too much for taeyong to bare but he wanted to be there. with ten, just like always.

taeyong's eyes traveled down ten's chest and taeyong nearly collapsed in shock and surprise. in the middle of his chest, right above ten's heart, was the deepest scar taeyong had ever seen in his entire life. 

"the bigger the lie, the deeper the scar," taeyong repeated the words he was taught when young, but wasn't still satisfied with his findings. what was that lie he told that caused this deep scar to appear right above ten's heart?

taeyong turned away from ten to scan the room for anything, and his eyes lay on the diary which was placed onto a shelf nearby. ten's diary. the diary where ten wrote down all the scars and lies he told in his life.

taeyong bolted straight ahead for the book and held it in his hands for a brief minute, the pages were wrinkled due to it previously being soaked in water. but he could feel ten's touch on it. but disregarding that for a moment, taeyong flipped open the book and saw the same entries he had seen before but there was a new one. and it broke taeyong even more.

_" 5 | 10 ..._

_i lied to taeyong saying that i don't love him. "_

**Author's Note:**

> [ twitter](https://twitter.com/sapphireyong)


End file.
